In Cheap We Trust

Two of the biggest and most contradictory complaints I hear day after day are-"Wal-Mart has this cheaper." and "Why is everything made in China?"

Well America, you asked for it. YOU want things cheaper. At ANY cost (pun intended). It's getting to a ridiculous stage as well. A customer came in for an item, and low and behold, Best Buy had it $5 cheaper. And so this thrifty (what I mean is, dumb as hell cheap ass son-of-a-nitwit) shopper decided to drive 15 miles to the nearest Best Buy-in a Suburban. Wait a tick! Isn't that AT LEAST $5 worth of gas away? Why, YES!

You see, my fellow Americans, you want it cheap. Plain and simple. So don't bitch and moan that these items you are determined to find, at the lowest price, are MADE IN CHINA. And WHY does it seem everything is made in China? Because they have a VERY LARGE population, no (or limited) child labor restrictions, and lower cost for living. They can work cheaper, and there is a lot of competition for employment so they have to take what they can get. THUS, it costs less to mass produce quality products that us cheap ass Americans want.

I haven't come across many Chinese made products that are worse or better than something made somewhere else. Quality isn't the issue. It's national pride. Americans will always say they preferr American Made (yep, they all "Look for the Label") but when it comes down to nickels and pennies, Americans will get the item that's $1.99 cheaper. So don't act shocked when you spot the Made in China label.

Consider what the Chinese are offering as a favor. A give and take. You want the biggest house, the biggest vehicle, the thickest steaks, bigger Bigger BIGGER!!! But the cheapest electronics. All the Chinese can hope for is food and shelter. There is no BIG in China. There's no room.

So when you can afford to spring for the Tripple Quarter Pounder, as opposed to the sad little double-Thank the Chinese. Afterall, they made it possible to save you $3 on that GPS that would otherwise cost you a fortune for the one made in Germany.

Honey Mustard...Mayonnaise?!?!?

Why? Give me a moment....I'm holding back chunks. First of all, I'd like to state my distress for the apacolypse of culinary progression-MAYONNAISE. I hate it. If you don't hate it, you must undoubtedly be demon spawn-there can be no other explanation. Let me reiterate, if you will, with the top 5 reasons to hate this condiment that the French discovered from pureeing alien placenta.

5. It's whiteish yellow.
4. It tastes like dehydrated jizz.
3. It's bad for you (as in 10 grams of fat per measly tablespoon).
2. It may or may not be made out of the souls of the innocent.
1. It's called "MAYONNAISE" - a word so aesthetically disturbing, it induces vomiting upon impact.

Now that THAT'S out of the way. What could be worse? ADDITIONAL SUBSTANCE! It's a TRICK! A government conspiracy even...brought to you by the beloved, over-priced Honey Baked Ham Company! Yes, but of course.

HONEY-the whole reason you walked in the place. Sweet, drippy, savory, tangy goodness that could only be produced by adorable little bees. Hopping flower to flower just so we can enjoy naturally sweetened teas, Honey Bunches of Oats, Honey Comb, the Queen is in her castle eating bread and honey, you get the picture. It's good stuff. Love it. If you don't then you are undoubtedly a brain-eating zombie bastard.

MUSTARD-It makes your cheeks tingle. It makes hotdogs (an otherwise horrible creation) worth stomaching. It's good for you-it burns calories naturally, fights hunger cravings, boosts metabolism. The darn stuff is a good, wholesome friend to all good American traditions-cookouts, ball games, hotdog (ot whitehot) vendors. There's no need for cage rattling on this one. I love it. If you don't then you are undoubtedly a Murderous Neo-Nazi Eskimo Transvestite Clown. I'll still talk to you, but fully aware you're not right in the head.

Honey-mmm. Mustard-mmmm. Honey-Mustard-mmm on occassion. But Honey-Mustard-Mayonnaise?!?!? AN ATROCITY! AN ABOMINATION! JUST KNOWING IT EXISTS MAKES ME WANT TO CHUNDER IN THREE DIRECTIONS TO SEPERATE THE ELEMENTS AND MAKE IT RIGHT AGAIN!! WHY????
Seriously, why do that to food? We need it. It makes us strong. Whomever the advocates of hate and vile happen to be--do what you will to the elderly and the diseased. But leave our food alone!
In the words of the Great Reverend--"Hammer, please don't hurt'em."

The Sunny Side of Bullshit

Why is it, Americans cannot swallow a simple truth without being spoon-fed like babies? Straight forwardness has been mistaken for pessimism way too much lately. Has America the Brave become Homeland to the Wishy Washy? Yes indeed. My thoughts about this are a little disorganized, as the whole matter boggles me completely. So here are some examples:
A woman is freaking out because she got seperated from her boyfriend at a Wal-Mart, and she asked me if she could use my cell phone. I said "No, I don't feel comfortable sharing my cell phone." Which is true, and that is my right. She, however, made such a fuss to tell everyone in line how snobby and rude I was. How was I to know she wouldn't steal it? What if she was a nose picker and got her booger germs all over my phone? Gross. It's my right to say no. Simple as that.
A customer wanted a laptop and was trying to base her decision on the ticket amount, not the features. So, since she wanted to spend no more than $400, I showed her the Compaq Cheapo Piece-o-Crappo Deluxe. She loved the price. "Is it fast?" she asks, "No" I honestly reply. Can I play high graphic games? No. "Well, you're not helping me at all." Were her exact words. I show her the better but not extravigant laptops starting at $600, since they suited her needs..but that was an unreasonable amount of money. So I tell her,without any tone of snippiness, you will get what you pay for. This laptop is a basic as it gets and for that the price is more than fair. Boy did the head office get a load from her. So I'm punished for not lying to her about a shitty product. I was honest, which is what I expect from a salesperson, and I was the asshole. Really.
I made a recent post on a complete waste of time, called Facebook, about how it's time to say goodbye to my fun Halloween garb and get ready for dead bird stuffed with soggy bread. The IS quite ACCURATELY what it is. Nothing negative about it...I love the stuff. I look forward to it every year. But this inspires a member of my friend list to referr to me as having a dreary outlook. I certainly wasn't knocking the great feast, just telling it like it is. And I'm a dreary, pessimistic asshole.
I am quite possitive. But I don't kid myself, or others, with unneccessary candy coated embellishments. A turkey is a dead bird. Stuffing is soggy bread. A Compaq is a low end basic laptop. I don't want strangers touching my stuff. If you ask me for change, and I can spare it, I will. If I'm broke, you get nothing. That's not unfair. What's unfair is for me to bend over backwards to make everyone I encounter feel like everything is sooo much better than it is because you wussy marshmallows can't handle the truth that maybe things are just mediocre.
I will be the last to lie. You will never experience the unpleasant aftertaste of bullshit when you talk to me. But if bullshit tastes like cherry pie to you, then don't talk to me. Really- I'm fine!

Ahoy, patrons of stupidity!

There are some things in life that need to be clarified. I think a list is in order...and much easier for dumbasses to read.

1. NOTHING IS FREE! Just because you spend a decent junk of change on something, that doesn't mean you get something else of monetary value for FREE! Someone has to pay for that "thing" somewhere down the line and since you want to be the one to own this...YOU MUST PAY! Who are you that you deserve free of charge what some other sap has to work hard for, or spent their time and skill to make? GET OVER YOURSELVES!

2. SALES PEOPLE ARE NOT EXPERTS! Don't go to a retailer (i.e., Best Buy, RadioShack, Office Depot, etc) and ask to speak to an "Expert". Do you know what "experts" do? They charge idiots like you for professional and accurate tech support that they spent $$$ on getting certified for so they can make a living at that. Charging the "technically inept" $30-$50 an hour to do what you can't because you're too lazy to read a manual. You want an expert? Go to one (and NO, GeekSquad doesn't count)! Use the yellowpages.

3. A NOTE ON WORKING ON COMMISSION. Salespersons at the retailers listed work on what's called "commission". That means they don't get paid unless you buy something. So DO NOT waste their time getting valuable information on a quality product that you're just going to buy at Wal-Mart for a few bucks cheaper from morons that wouldn't know a router from a shoelace. Do this and you will go to hell. Don't believe in hell? I will make one just for you. But seriously, would you work for free? Of course not, no one would. Don't be an ass by thinking people should work for free when you're jerk ass would not.

4. IF YOU'RE TOO OLD TO READ A VERY LARGE SIGN, YOU'RE TOO OLD TO DRIVE! That would seem very self explanatory. Just because you're one foot into the grave and pissed off about it, doesn't mean you get endanger others and deny them the inevitability of feeling as worthless as you do.

and finally...at least for now..

5. EVERYTHING IS MADE IN CHINA! "Is this made in China?" "I don't want something made in China" Too F_ING Bad!! And don't blame the chinese! It's Americans who want things cheap. Its AMERICANS who will go to Wal-Mart to get something 2 dollards cheaper! American made is NOT CHEAP LABOR! There are unions that involve fees and minimum wage is rising, and to make a good American product you need to hire SKILLED LABORORS who will NOT work for minimum wage making this quality product which is something you will not buy because WAL-MART HAS THE CHINESE VERSION OF IT 3 DOLLARS CHEAPER!!!

And that's about all the hot air I can hold for right now, thanks for tuning in and Goodnight!