Honey Mustard...Mayonnaise?!?!?

Why? Give me a moment....I'm holding back chunks. First of all, I'd like to state my distress for the apacolypse of culinary progression-MAYONNAISE. I hate it. If you don't hate it, you must undoubtedly be demon spawn-there can be no other explanation. Let me reiterate, if you will, with the top 5 reasons to hate this condiment that the French discovered from pureeing alien placenta.

5. It's whiteish yellow.
4. It tastes like dehydrated jizz.
3. It's bad for you (as in 10 grams of fat per measly tablespoon).
2. It may or may not be made out of the souls of the innocent.
1. It's called "MAYONNAISE" - a word so aesthetically disturbing, it induces vomiting upon impact.

Now that THAT'S out of the way. What could be worse? ADDITIONAL SUBSTANCE! It's a TRICK! A government conspiracy even...brought to you by the beloved, over-priced Honey Baked Ham Company! Yes, but of course.

HONEY-the whole reason you walked in the place. Sweet, drippy, savory, tangy goodness that could only be produced by adorable little bees. Hopping flower to flower just so we can enjoy naturally sweetened teas, Honey Bunches of Oats, Honey Comb, the Queen is in her castle eating bread and honey, you get the picture. It's good stuff. Love it. If you don't then you are undoubtedly a brain-eating zombie bastard.

MUSTARD-It makes your cheeks tingle. It makes hotdogs (an otherwise horrible creation) worth stomaching. It's good for you-it burns calories naturally, fights hunger cravings, boosts metabolism. The darn stuff is a good, wholesome friend to all good American traditions-cookouts, ball games, hotdog (ot whitehot) vendors. There's no need for cage rattling on this one. I love it. If you don't then you are undoubtedly a Murderous Neo-Nazi Eskimo Transvestite Clown. I'll still talk to you, but fully aware you're not right in the head.

Honey-mmm. Mustard-mmmm. Honey-Mustard-mmm on occassion. But Honey-Mustard-Mayonnaise?!?!? AN ATROCITY! AN ABOMINATION! JUST KNOWING IT EXISTS MAKES ME WANT TO CHUNDER IN THREE DIRECTIONS TO SEPERATE THE ELEMENTS AND MAKE IT RIGHT AGAIN!! WHY????
Seriously, why do that to food? We need it. It makes us strong. Whomever the advocates of hate and vile happen to be--do what you will to the elderly and the diseased. But leave our food alone!
In the words of the Great Reverend--"Hammer, please don't hurt'em."